Field guide to common journalists

All too often earnest companies or their PR reps come away from campaigns empty-handed, not knowing what they did wrong in making their pitches to the media.

Sometimes, of course, their errant ways are easy to spot. But here's something you won't hear often from an old news hand: It's not necessarily your fault.

There are myriad reasons that a perfectly good pitch can fall on deaf ears. And after years of anthropological observation deep inside the wilds of journalism, I have identified five main species of editors and reporters who have undoubtedly contributed to the untimely demise of many decent story ideas.

1. Captain News Hook. This is the type, often a singularly uninspired assignment editor, who always must have a "hook" before considering a story. He would refuse to cover the Second Coming if it didn't occur near Easter Sunday. Handler's tip: Try to anticipate this intransigence by timing your pitch to coincide with a high-profile event or trend, and send along the links as proof for his alter-ego, Doubting Thomas.

2. The Kicker. Kind of the Will Rogers of news ideas, but in reverse: He never saw a pitch he didn't hate. This person, often a reporter, can only "see" stories he comes up with; if the exact same idea comes from anyone else, it is obviously stupid. (Bonus points of derision if it comes from his editor.) Handler's tip: Find coverage of a similar event or product by a rival outlet and/or the New York Times. The Kicker is often also terribly insecure and will fear that his editor will notice the competition, especially from an outlet they perceive to be superior.

3. ADHR (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Reporter). Unofficial motto is "All the news that's fit to print (in 300 words or less, as long as it doesn't take me more than 10 minutes to write)." This species has always existed but truly thrived in the blogosphere, where content is king as long as it comes in a constant stream of search-optimized items every few minutes. If this person can't grasp the concept and find all relevant information in the first 15 seconds of engagement, you've lost him forever. Handler's tip: First, find out this specimen's schedule and avoid deadlines and other crunch times at all costs. (Feeding times may be optimal for attempted contact.) Keep oral and written pitches to an absolute minimum but also provide context so that he does not have to waste time doing his own research from scratch.

4. Non-News Hound. This jaded variety has seen it all before and doesn't think anything qualifies as news. Unless you have a cure for cancer or are Elvis with certified DNA to prove it, don't even bother. A close cousin of The Kicker. Handler's tip: Find another reporter or outlet altogether. This futile exercise will lead only to frustration and possible substance abuse.

5. "Don't You Know Who I Am?" This species, thankfully, is a dying breed. Or, more accurately, is dying because newspapers are. Having watched far too many reruns of "Lou Grant" and memorized every line from "My Girl Friday"--this poor soul is trapped in a bygone era and thinks reporters are to be worshipped either as the next Bob Woodward or Louella Parsons, or both. Would cover the Second Coming, but only by personal invitation--and it had better be an exclusive. Handler's tip: Lavish this diva with commensurate praise and apologize profusely for taking his invaluable time. Genuflection is acceptable, though groveling is preferred. Self-deprecation is key. (Yours, of course.)

This is a but a small sampling of the curious inhabitants of an ecosystem hurtling toward extinction. Our advice is to avoid them if possible, especially because interaction will likely be only a waste of time.

Remember: As with any situation in the wild, the boorish behavior of such animals often has nothing to do with you or your pitches. The best thing to do upon encountering them is to move on; with any luck, they will  go the way of their fossilized professions.